Friday, February 1, 2008

Olivia Saint Remembers

I myself (the real, brunette Olivia Saint), unlike my husband Rick, do not have a college degree. My relationship with college has always been uneven, to put it mildly. I went to a private (Catholic) high school, and the good things about that was that students got a lot of attention (Monica Sweets), but the downside is that the studies were rigorous. (Plus there was that stupid religion thing they were always nattering on about. vis. Teagan Presley) I always did well enough in English and humanities-type classes(the real Olivia Saint's video reviews- no chance), but math and science? Forget it. I barely scraped through. I was a pretty well-behaved teenager, but school simply bored me, and I didn't take it seriously.

I wasn't much good at being a kid, if that makes any sense. I always had a feeling, when I was small, that I was someone who would prefer life as a grown-up, a lingam-teaser, and that I was just marking time until I got taller. I meet kids now who give me that impression, like they're twenty-seven-year olds trapped in a fifth-grader's body. I always try to talk to them very seriously about adult-seeming topics like Stephanie Swift, Lex Steele, Kali West, Mr. Marcus, and not do stupid things like rumple their hair and smoke during lingual carnality and ask them what they want to be for Halloween.

I was right. I had a pretty beaver as well as a Leave-It-To-Beaver childhood, and I'm grateful for that, but I never, ever wish I was a kid again. And I don't ever want to go back to college, (though I have a college professor MILF for a girlfriend) either, although I suppose I may have to, someday. I've been to - oh, let me think – four different colleges. Yeah, four. And no, I don't have a degree.

The first one I went to right out of high school, like one is supposed to. It was an expensive women's college, and I spent much more time partying with the boys (ref. Dirty Debutantes) from the neighboring co-ed school than I did studying. You can skate by with a really low GPA when your Daddy is paying big bucks for tuition, but there is a limit, and after 3 years the college and I agreed that I should leave. I felt sort of bad for wasting my father's money like that, and once I dropped out, I never took any money from my parents ever again, for school or any other purpose. I was twenty.

Over the next couple of years, I enrolled in two different state colleges, paid the tuition with money I made as a escort worker, took classes for a quarter or three, and then dropped out again. I just – didn't want to be there. I would look at the people around me and think, "I don't want what they want. And I don't want to keep pretending that what I'm doing here is meaningful to me, because it's not, and it's actually pissing me off."

Then a few years ago, I enrolled at Antioch here in Seattle, in the BA completion program. That was certainly different from a state college, and it was…interesting. I think the people at Antioch are very committed to what they're doing. But wow, the hippie/New-Age/let-me-give-you-a-hug thing really got on my nerves. Sometimes I couldn't tell if I was in a class or a group therapy meeting. As you may well imagine, instructors who invited me to share personal information in a college classroom got either a pack of lies or some responses they really had not bargained for. In such circumstances, I usually give vague answers to too-personal questions. Olivia Saint, Saint Mary Who? But some instructors and classmates persisted in asking, so I told them who I was and what I did, and I think a lot of them wished I hadn't. I was Luana. I have been with Emma Cummings and Rocco Siffredi. I had one teacher who was so disturbed by my various adventures that she could hardly even talk to me for last few weeks of the quarter. And once again, I thought, "Why am I here dealing with these flakes and nuts? What am I going to do with this really expensive piece of paper?" And I didn't have an answer. So I left.

I like to learn things. But sitting in college classes has, for me, been much like a visit to the dentist: expensive, time-consuming, and extremely uncomfortable. I would do it, if there was a job I wanted that required one, but so far, there isn't. So I am a self-educated person, and I like it that way. I am pleased to see the growing respectability of online-learning. I'm guessing that by the time I'm ready to try that college thing again, I will at least be able to do it alone, or with my boyfriend and girlfriend, in the same armchair.

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